


Amnesia. A reaper's suicide.

by Xbertyx



Series: Ptsd awareness and past trauma related works. [2]
Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Child Abuse, F/M, Flashbacks, Molestation, Nightmares, Past Rape/Non-con, Psychological Torture, Suicide, suppressed memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-30
Updated: 2015-07-30
Packaged: 2018-04-11 23:55:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 20
Words: 15,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4457354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xbertyx/pseuds/Xbertyx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on Chapter 105. Grell centric story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Where am I? Why ... why am I in a cage? I need to get out of here. The smell of the mouldy bread at my feet is making me heave. Why ... why am I in a cage?! Please someone, let me out. This cage is so small, it's suffocating. Please let me out. Have I done someone wrong? Why am I locked in a cage?!

 Who is this monster? Why ... why is he hurting me? Why am i covered in cuts and bruises? Why do my insides hurt? Why am I shoved on the floor? Get off of me.  No ... don't do that to me. Don't call me those names. No! Stop ... you're hurting me! Why are you being so cruel? Why so ruthless? I've done nothing to you. It hurts, please stop. Make it stop!

 Don't cut my hair! It's already too short. Stop that. Please stop it. Let me go. No, ... no don't put me back in there, it's too small! Please ... someone help. Anyone


	2. Find me in a frenzy.

 William T. Spears walked down the hallway to a certain redhead's office, to hand her some more paperwork. It was really just an excuse to see her though he would never admit that. He longed for the day when he would have the courage to bring her a bouquet of red roses or a box of premium chocolate instead.

 Secretly he was in love with the other reaper, though he knew she had no idea. He kept his feelings bottled up and too well hidden from her. Still, he would find any reason to go and see her multiple times a day. Just being in the same room as her felt like enough, at least for now.

 As he pushed the door open to her office, he frowned. She was standing up, gripping the edge of the desk, shoulders shaking. Her hair was covering her face, hiding her eyes and her lip was drawn into her mouth.

 "Sutcliff, what are you doing? Get back to your work." Receiving no reply, he walk closer to her. "Sutcliff? What's wrong?"

 Images she didn't recognise whirled around in her mind, until she heard a familiar voice calling her name. She came back to reality and her head shot up. "Oh, Will. No I'm fine." She said, smiling slightly at him. A fake smile.

 "Are you quite sure? You're looking quite pale." He said, as he placed the stack of paperwork on her desk and she took her seat.

 "Yes, I'm quite alright, darling."

 He adjusted his glasses, not believing her words. "I want this paperwork done in two hours. I'll come back to collect it then." With that he walked out of the room, still concerned for the female reaper. There was something wrong, he just didn't know what.


	3. A boy with ginger hair?

The following morning.

 A small teenage boy was pushed to the ground, hands tied behind his back. "Father, no ... Please stop."

 A hand gripped the boy's cropped ginger hair, pulling his head back. "Like I'd ever think of you as my son. You're a disgrace to this family."

 The boy whimpered, as he heard the sound of a belt being unbuckled and slid out from the material of the man's trousers. The belt was brought down on the back of the boy's bare thighs and a scream echo'd through the room. It was brought down again and again, until red angry marks appeared all over the boy's back, bottom and legs.

 "I'm going to knock some sense into you, however long it takes. You're just a freak but don't worry, I'll fix that. I'll rip it out of you if I have to"

 The boy started to sob, when he heard the sound of material being pulled away from the man's body and thrown to the floor and felt his hips being pulled up and back. He felt himself being violated and screamed out again, pain shooting through his body. "Please ... just stop. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Just please stop, it hurts!"

 Grell shot up in bed, eyes wide and body covered in a thick layer of sweat. The clock on the bedside table read 4.18am. She put her head in her hands and started to cry. Why was she having these dreams? How long would she have to keep seeing this? Who were these people?


	4. Lakes

 Grell eventually managed to get back to sleep, waking up again at eight 'am' to get herself ready for work in an hour. She felt sick to her stomach from the nightmares and just wanted to forget about the whole thing and go back to sleep. Her head was pounding from the moment she woke up and the pain didn't subside even after she'd finished her morning coffee.

 She arrived at work feeling exhausted. She didn't understand what she kept seeing, both while awake and asleep. It had all begun a few weeks ago, starting with nightmares every night. The same nightmare. Always from the point of view of the boy. She only knew he was ginger due to a glimpse at the mirror in the room, before he was shoved to the ground. She didn't get a chance to see his face. The nightmare always ended on the same scene, with the boy screaming for the man to stop.

 Three days ago, she had begun to have flashes of the same boy, while she was awake. They would come from out of nowhere, complete with a sharp pain in her head. They were of the boy locked in a cage, with nothing but a loaf of bread. The boy was younger in that scene, when she looked down from his point of view, his body looked smaller. If she had to guess, he would be less than ten years old. He was then dragged from the cage, beaten and then locked up again.

 She wanted to tell someone about this issue but she felt like they would just laugh at her or look at her like she had gone crazy and was about to go on another murder spree.

 She sighed and walked into her office. Looking in the mirror on the wall, she grimaced. Pale skin a sharp contrast against dark under eye circles. 'Stress really does a lady no good,' she thought, as she turned to pick up her ledger.

 A sudden sharp pain echoed through her head and she gripped her hair, screaming. A flash of a lake, rocks weighing the boys body down. A sinking feeling hit her and her legs gave out. She hit the floor with a loud crack and then everything went black.


	5. Dates and disturbances.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope this fic isn't too confusing. I'm trying to give you tiny clues as I go along.

 The blackness started to fade a while later, as Grell heard a knocking at her door. She stood up shakily, head still pounding and elbow aching from when it had collided with the floor. She walked over and opened the door, to see William standing there with a box of chocolates.

 "I came to bri- are you feeling okay? You look quite ill."

 She grinned at him. "Yes ... yes I'm fine. I just have a headache. Are those chocolates for me? How romantic! I knew you weren't a cold, heartless man deep down."

 "May I come in?" She moved out of the way and he entered the room. As she closed the door behind him and turned around, he spoke again. "I was wondering of you would like to accompany me to dinner this evening?"

 She stood there in shock for a moment. Was he finally asking her out on a date? She really didn't feel she had the energy for going out tonight but with this man, she just couldn't refuse. "How could a lady turn such a handsome man down?"

 He nodded. "Very well. I shall come to pick you up tonight at eight." He handed her the chocolate and left. Grell looked down at them, feeling her heart flutter. This was like a dream come true. Now, she just had to pull through the date, continuing to pretend everything was fine. She hoped the night would go smoothly.

\----

 The rest of her work day had gone without seeing any other images of the boy. It was now 7.50pm and Grell was just about to paint her nails.

 She was wearing a long red dress, which covered the tops of her arms and laced around the neck. She knew William would appreciate it if she dressed in a classy manner. Her make up had been applied subtly and her hair pulled up in a tight bun, with a few strands of fringe hanging free.

 She untwisted the lid from the nail polish bottle and went to brush the varnish onto her first nail, when she froze. Thick dirt had caked her hands but they weren't her hands, they were the little boy's. There were bruises lining up her arms and she gasped at the sight, breath shaking.

 She screwed her eyes shut and tried to steady her breath. Opening her eyes again slowly, relief washed over her. Her hands were her own once more.

 Finishing her nails, she stood to take a look at herself in the mirror. Satisfied with her appearance, she sprayed herself with sweet smelling perfume and pulled her coat on.

 A few minutes later, there was a knock at the door. She opened it to find William dressed in an expensive looking suit. A slight blush creeped across his cheeks at seeing her dressed so beautifully. He extended his hand for her and she took it.

 They walked in silence for a few minutes, William's fingers laced gently with hers, before she spoke. "Where are we going, Will? I'm ever so excited."

 "There's a french restaurant that has just opened a few streets away. I've heard the owner is a chef from Paris."

 "That's so lovely William!"

 They arrived at the restaurant five minutes later, William having reserved them a table. They ordered their food and as the waiter left, Grell twirled a stray lock of hair around her finger. "Not that I'm not flattered by this but why have you decided to take me out to dinner, after all this time?"

 William pushed his glasses up his nose. "I enjoy your company more than I let on."

 She smiled and was just about to reply, when an awfully familiar pain pierced her temple. Images of blood dripping to the floor entered her mind and she gripped the table cloth tightly, breath coming out in short gasps.

 "Sutcliff? ... what's wrong? Sutcliff?" She could hear the urgency of his voice.

 "I'm ... fine ... Will ...I-." The pain increased and she slipped sideways off the chair, pulling the table cloth with her. Glasses clattered to the floor and William stood up quickly to rush to her side.

 Her senses began to return, embarrassment coursing through her. She couldn't let anyone find out about what she was going through. "Are you alright? What's wrong?"

 "I'm fine! Stop asking me that! Just leave me alone." She chambered to her feet and ran out the building, all the way back to her flat, before William could say another word.She unlocked her door and swung it open. Locking it, she rushed to the bedroom.

 A flash of a woman, looking down at the boy in horror, as blood trickled to the floor from his position on his knees. A knife lay discarded at his side.

 "Robert! Robert, what have you done? He's your own flesh and blood, how could you?!" She screamed at the man standing behind the boy. "How could you do such a thing!?

 Grell gripped at her hair, trying to tug the images from her brain. "Get out of my head! Leave me alone!" She shrieked, before sinking to her knees on the bedroom carpet, sobs beginning to wrack her small frame. "Please ... just leave me ... alone. I ... don't know who you ... are. Please just ... leave me be."


	6. Mother.

 Her screams and sobs lasted into the early hours of the morning, crawling over to the wall and pressing her back to it, curling her knees up into her chest. Eventually, the flashes stopped and she fell into an emotionally exhausted slumber, into a new dream.

 The small boy was looking at himself in the mirror, hazel eyes glistening with happiness. He eyed himself with excitement, shoulder length hair brushed perfectly, a bright red dress with frills and flowers flowing over his body.

 The door to the bedroom opened and a women rushed over to him. She was absolutely beautiful, curly ginger hair framing her soft face. Cute button nose and amazingly chocolate brown eyes her best features. "Oh hunny. Please stop wearing your sister's dresses."

 He boy's expression saddened. "You don't think I look beautiful, mother? You don't think I'm a pretty girl?" A few tears slipped from his eyes.

 The woman scooped him up in her arms. "I think you are a beautiful lady but your farther will not approve. You know he is a harsh man. You are his son, he will not accept anything less from you."

 "No, I'm his daughter! I'm ... I'm a girl." He began go cry. "I want to wear pretty dresses and marry a handsome man one day."

 She soothed his hair. "I know my darling but it's not possible. You ... you can wear the dress for another few hours but you must change out of it at dinner. Just incase your farther comes home early."

 "Mother ... can you do my makeup? I want to look extra pretty!"

 "I don't see why not. While you sister is out with grandma." She carried him into another bedroom and placed him on the bed. She moved over to her dressing table, picking up some blusher and lipstick. Once done, she picked up a small mirror and showed the boy his reflection.

 He beamed widely. "Oh mother, thank you! I look so pretty."

 ---

 Grell woke up with a start, panting heavily and eyes wide. That dream seemed too familiar somehow. She needed answers and knew just the person who may be able to tell her them, without judging her.

 ----

 William had gone back to Grell's flat ten minutes after she had ran out of the restaurant. He had to make sure she was okay, to see what exactly was going on with her. He had knocked the door and when he had received no answer, had decided to port into her flat.

 He had been able to hear screaming and sobbing coming from the bedroom. "Get out of my head!" At that moment, he began to form a theory but he knew he would have to speak to her best friend before it could be proven correct. He stood outside the room for hours, not making a sound, until her sobs stopped and he was certain she had fallen asleep.

 Once back in his own home, he had fallen to sleep for a few hours, until he had to get up for work.

 A few hours later, he knocked on Ronald Knox's office door, before entering. Ronald turned around and grinned at him. "Hey boss, what's up? Have I done somethin' ta' annoy y' again?"

 William's eyebrow twitched slightly. "You're beggining to grate on my nerves already, reaper Knox. However no, I have come here for some information on miss Sutcliff."

 "Eh? Boss, common', I already told y' which chocolate ta' buy 'er. If y' couldn't ge' 'er into bed afta' that, you're definitely doin' somethin' wrong."

 William gritted his teeth. "Enough! I wish not to hear anymore of your disgusting remarks. I came to ask you if she remembered the details of her death as a human. I assume you know that not all reapers remember it as soon as they are reborn."

 "Oh ye', I know that. Some push tha' memories away. Of course she doesn't remember."

 William eyed him, confused for a moment. "How do you know that for sure?"

 "Boss common', it's obvious. She doesn't even realise any of us remember. If she did, she'd of asked everyone by now for the juicy details of their own deaths. She'd wanna' compare and see if 'ers was the most passionate an' dramatic. Y' know wha' she's like." He paused for a second. "Wait, do y' think she's startin' ta' remember?"

 William shook his head. "I'm not sure. Thank you for your input. Good day." He left without another word, leaving a confused Ronald staring at the shut door.

 'If she's remembering, I hope whatever memories she has suppressed aren't too awful'. He thought, as he stood up to go find Grell. It was time for them to go out on duty.


	7. Sweet Marie.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so the story begins to fall into place. The beginning of such story, that is.

 Grell had ported over to the Undertaker's as soon as she signed in at work. She explained the details of everything she had seen and dreamt of so far, hoping he would be able to give her some information.

 His smile faltered for a second, before he laughed loudly. Once he had calmed himself, he spoke. "Oh lil' rose, you need not come to me. You will find the answers but not a moment before you are ready. Do you really want to know all the sickening details?"

 "I don't know." She said, eyeing the floor. "I just want these nightmares to end. I don't understand them at all. It's quite bothersome. The stress is ruining my looks."

 He giggled. "Oh no, rose. You're still as pretty as ever. When you figure out the truth of these dreams, please come back to me. I will have some juicy information for you then, I promise you. You should really run off now, before that cold supervisor of yours puts you in one of my pristine coffins."

 She left and the Undertaker's smile faded. "Such a sad story. Such cruelty for both mother and daughter. Oh Marie, you were such a kind woman."

 ---

 She got back to her office shortly after leaving the Undertaker's and began to do paperwork. Around an hour later, Ronald came into her room. "Babe, common', we gotta' go out on collections now."

 She looked up at him, a fake smile crossing her face. "Of course darling, I simply cannot wait."

 ---

 As they began to work through the list of collections, Ronald started to believe that William was right. She definitely didn't seem like herself. Sure, she was acting like her usual self but Ronald could see right through it. He knew she was just putting on an act. That she was indeed very upset about something.

 Still, he didn't want to mention anything right now. He didn't want to distract her from their duties and get them in trouble with William. They had done that far too much during their years together.

 He looked down at his ledger and frowned. 'Billy Yates. Dies age 8, beaten and strangled to death by his father.' Oh how he hated these sorts of collections. They were very common but still made his blood boil.

 The pair appeared in the kitchen of a small, wooden house. The sight made Ronald grit his teeth. A small boy was trembling in the corner of the room. His father, who was clearly drunk, leaned down and pulled him up by his collar, pressing him against the wall.

 He punched the child in the stomach and then threw him to the ground. The child looked up in terror and the man bent down and gripped him around the throat. The child struggled, grabbing the man's wrists and trying to push him off. The man pressed down harder on his neck and the boy stopped fighting back, hands falling limp against the floor.

 Grell watched the scene, feeling bile start to rise in her stomach. These sorts of things had never bothered her in the past but now just seeing such horors was too much for her. As Ronald collected the child's soul and stamped the boys record as complete, pain shot through the back of Grell's head and she fell to her knees.

 Ronald looked over at her, his concern mounting. "Grell? What's the matter?" He ran over to her and knelt down in front of her. Grell let out a scream, before her eyes glazed over and she fell forward, unconscious. Ronald caught her in his arms and ported them over to the infirmary. He was extremely worried now, never before had he seen Grell faint, especially after such a routine collection.

 ----

 The boy heard his father return home and ran to his bedroom, picking up the dress he had stolen from his sister. He pulled his shirt and trousers off, slipping the dress over his head. He looked at himself in the mirror. "Father is finally going to see how pretty I am." He said with a giggle and raced downstairs.

 "Father, father!" He chimed, running into the living room. "Aren't I such a pretty lady?" He saw his mother looking at him in horror.

 His father barged past her and grabbed the boy by the front of his dress, lifting him up in the air. "You freak! What the hell do you think you're doing dressing like that?"

 Tears pricked at the boy's eyes. "But father ... I want to dress like this. I'm a girl. Girls wear dresses!"

 "Disgusting wretch!" He dropped the boy to the ground and kicked him in the side, making him whimper.

 "No, Robert! Leave Grell alone! Please, he's just a child."

 The man turned to his wife, glaring at her. "This is your fault, Marie! You were the one who let him grow his hair long. I bet you fueled these sick fantasies of his!" He slapped her hard across the face, making her gasp and hold her cheek."You both disgust me!"

 The boy crawled onto his hands and knees. "No ... don't hurt mother!" He cried.

 "Shut your filthy mouth. I'm going to beat this stupidity out of you. You will not disgrace this families name!" The man bent down and grabbed the boy's hair, dragging him into the kitchen. He picked up a pair of scissors from the kitchen table and dragged the boy onto a chair.

 The boy tried to pull away but it just made the man's grip tighten. He cut the boy's hair to just above his ears. The boy began to wail, reaching up to feel the empty space where his hair had been a second ago.

 The man pulled his belt from his trousers and grabbed the boy by his dress again, pulling him up and bending him over the table. He pulled the dress up and whipped the belt off of the boy's thighs, making him wail louder. "I will have no son of mine dressing like a freak! You will stop this madness or you will continue to be punished. You disgust me!


	8. Harsh teachings.

 The dream slipped forward several years, to the boy standing naked in front of the mirror. He looked to be in his teenage years, about fifteen. He had grown quite a bit but was sickly thin and pale.

 His father had tied his hands behind his back, standing pressed behind him. "Even after all the beatings, you still won't learn, will you boy? If I catch you flirting with that boy from the fish mongers again, I'll slit your throat. It was a mistake letting you out of that cage in the first place. Look at your reflection. You're a man, it's a disgrace to be interested in people of the same gender."

 Tears ran from the boy's eyes, sliding down his cheeks in fast trickles. "No ... you're wrong. I don't like girls, it's not right for two women to be together."

 The man behind him grunted angrily, sliding his hand to the boy's front and down to his crotch. "You're not a women! You have a dick for a reason." His hand encircled the boy, pumping on him roughly. "Doesn't that feel nice? This is what men are made for, to bear children with their wives."

 The boy let out a strangled moan. "Ah ... no don't touch me there ... stop it. Hmm ... no I don't want to lay ... ooh ... with a woman. Get off me!"

 The man gritted his teeth. "Oh? You still want to be disgusting? Fine! I'll show you enough pain that you'll never want to sleep with a man again!" He released his grip on the boy, instead grabbing his cropped hair and shoving him over the table in the basement where the cage was housed.

 "What are you doing? Please don't ... hurt me!" The man moved his hand to press hard between the boy's shoulder blades, pinning him to the table. The boy heard the rustling of material and felt the man's hips press against his bottom. The began to sob, when he felt something rubbing against his entrance.

 "Please ... no fath- aghh," he screamed, as a sharp pain ripped through him.

 The man's hips bucked against him, pants falling from the older's mouth. "I told you it would hurt. After I'm done with you, you'll never even want to speak to another boy again, much less try to get them in bed."

 The boy continued to sob, as the pain inside of him increased. "Ah, it hurts. Please ... Please stop it!"

 ---

 Ronald could see Grell thrashing around on the hospital bed, screams and shouts coming from her.

 He bit his lip anxiously. What William had thought really did seem to be the case and from the words being screamed out in her sleep, Ronald had been right to worry about the extent of these awful suppressed memories.

 She cried out loudly, shooting up in bed. Before Ronald could say a word to her, she had scrambled off of the bed and disappeared. He'd go after her and try go comfort her, if only he knew where she had ported off to.


	9. Bullets and broken hearts.

 Grell ported to the hallway that housed William's office. That boy was her? No, it couldn't be. She was going crazy surely? They couldn't be her actual memories? Reapers couldn't remember their humans lives, right? Such awful things couldn't have happened to her. Still, she had to find out. She had to be sure.

 ---

 William picked up a letter he had received. He read it, breath hitching. Grell had been admitted to the infirmary. He was just about to go and make sure she was okay. As both her supervisor and as the man who adored her.

 As he turned to the door, it was thrown open and a bewildered looking redhead ran up to him. She gripped his coat and looked up at him, tears streaming down her face. "William, tell me. I have to know. Can reapers remember their past lives? I have to know!

 "Yes ... Most of them remember as soon as they become reapers."

 Her eyes went wide. "No! That can't ... that can't be true. Please tell me that isn't true!" She pressed her head into his chest.

 William wrapped his arms around her. "It is true, I'm afraid. Are ... are you remembering your past?"

 "No ... I can't be. I don't believe you! Prove it! Tell me how you died, if you really can remember."

 William frowned slightly. "I do not wish to discuss such private things."

 She looked up at him. "Then I don't believe you ... you're lying!"

 "No I am not."

 "Then tell me!"

 He sighed. "I ... shot myself. That's all you need to know."

 "So you can't ... actually remember why?"

 "Yes, I can remember. Most reapers can remember. Is what you're remembering so awful that you had suppressed it?"

 "No ... there's nothing wrong with my past." Her hands slipped from his coat.

 Taking a step back, he looked her over. She was shaking from head to toe. "You're lying to me, aren't you?"

 "So are you! If you won't tell me why you shot yourself, it can't be true."

 He sighed again. "Very well. If I tell you, will you talk to me about what's going on?" He didn't want to disclose such personal information but if he didn't, he would never find out what was wrong. He'd never be able to help her. He adored her and would do anything to make sure she was happy, no matter how painful it was for him.

 She nodded slightly. "Well ... I was found to be having a relationship with another man."

 "What?" She gasped.

 "I lost my job. I lost everything. So I shot myself. I would have probably been killed for it anyway. Now tell me what's troubling you."

 She shook her head. "No ... I don't want to."

 "You said you'd tell me, Sutcliff."

 "There's nothing troubling me! I'm fine!" With that she ran from the room and before William could follow her, she'd ported back home.

 She walked to the bedroom and lay down, her head beggining to pound once more. Knowing what was about to happen, she curled into a ball and began to sob.

 The flash of images continued from the scene she had previously seen. The boy was on the table, the pain shooting through him increasing. Then everything went black.

 The boy woke up to the sound of the basement door opening. He looked up to find himself in the cage, his hands now untied.

 His mother walked up to the cage and gasped. "Oh darling, whatever did he do to you?"

 She pulled a key from her pocket and opened the cage door. "No mother, you shouldn't ... let me out. If father finds out he-."

 "Your father is out at work. I snuck the key from our bedroom. He will not find out. Now come here and give your mother a hug."

 The teenager crawled out of the cage, whimpering as pain shot up his back. His mother pulled him to her, hugging him tightly. "You need to stop this, Grell. You're just making your father more angry."

 "No. He needs to understand that I'm a woman ... not his son. Why won't he just listen?"

 His mother pulled away to cup his cheek in her hand and looked him in the eyes. "Grell-"

 "Why won't anyone see me for who I really am? Why is he so cruel? How ... how do you see me?"

 Her eyes filled with tears. "Oh hunny, I know that inside you're a girl but you were born as our son. I wish with all my heart that i had birthed you as my daughter but there's nothing you can do but accept it."

 "No ... I will not! I will not lose who I really am. No ... matter what he does."

 Her tears slipped from her eyes. "You're going to get yourself killed at this rate. I can't lose you. A mother cannot bear to lose a child. Please just listen to him. Please just do as he says!"

 The boy didn't reply, instead just beggining to shake, as sobs left him. His mother pulled him back to her, soothing his hair. They stayed like that for a long time, until the door opened again and an angry shout filled the room. 


	10. Don't leave me.

The boy's farther barged into the room, a kitchen knife in his hand. "Marie, get back to the kitchen. You should be preparing dinner. I told you not to come and see this wretch!"

 The women stood up. "Robert, please don't be like this. He's still just a child!"

 He raced up to her, brandishing the knife. "He's fifteen for god's sake. I've been dealing with this sickness of his since he was six. How long is this going to continue? Get upstairs now! He pushed her against the wall, lifting the knife. "Don't make me tell you again!"

 The boy clamberred to his feet, the pain in his back increasing. He rushed forward to his parents. "No, don't hurt mother!"

 "Stay out of this boy!" He turned around and pushed the boy back. "I've had enough of hearing your whining!"

 The boy went to move forward again. "But fath-." The man sunk the knife into the boy's shoulder. The boy staggered backwards, falling to his knees. Blood pooled from his wound and ran down his body.

 The man walked forward to the boy, lifting the knife again. The boy looked up at him, pain evident on his face. The man's eyes widened and the knife clattered to the floor at the side of the boy.

 His mother looked down at him in horror, as blood trickled onto the floor from the boy's wound. "Robert! Robert, what have you done? He's your own flesh and blood, how could you?!" She screamed. "How could you!?

 "He's no child of mine! He ... he's just a disgrace."

 "Well do something!" She said, kneeling in front of the boy. "He's bleeding badly." You're a doctor! Do something! "

 ----

 Grell looked up shakily, to find herself still on her bed. William was standing by the bedroom door, concern etched into his features.

 Without saying a word, he walked to sit on the bed, pulling her close to him. She rested her head in his lap. "I don't want ... to see anymore of this."

 "I'm afraid they is no stopping memories once they have begun to surface. "

 "No, they aren't memories. I'm just losing my mind." She said tiredly.

 William ran his fingers through her hair. "You're not crazy Grell. You're just frightened. I want to help you but I can't if you don't tell me what you're seeing."

 She pressed her face into his lap, words being muffled. "It don't want to. It'll just seem too real then. I just want to sleep."

 William sighed. "I shall leave you to get some rest then." He went to move out from under her.

 "No, Will. Stay, please. I don't want to left alone right now."

 "Very well. As you wish."


	11. Moans.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love how Ronald is so eager to tell Grell his story. He doesn't give a shit xD

 Grell woke up a few hours later, screaming. Words from her dream circled in her head. "Oh, you're such a handsome young thing. Don't get upset, I'll be sure to make this feel heavenly." It was a woman's voice, a voice she didn't recognise.

 Opening her eyes, she saw William above her, angry scratch marks visible on his cheek. He held her arms pinned at the sides of her head. "Will, did ... did I do that to your face?"

 "It's quite alright Su- Grell. You were having a nightmare. You were screaming and moaning. I was quite concerned."

"I'm sorry." She said, looking away.

 William lifted off of her and sat up by her side. "You have no reason to apologise."

 "Why ... are you being so nice to me? After I embarrassed you so much at the restaurant."

 He pushed his glasses up his nose. "You did nothing to embarrass me. I was just worried for your mental state. I have told you before that I enjoy your company. I ... I care about you very much."

 She sat up, turning to face him. "You care about me? Was ... was that night a date?"

 "Yes it was and yes I do care." He leant close to her. "I care about you a great deal." He said, before pressing his lips against hers.

 She froze for a moment, not expecting him to have kissed her, before she kissed back. He pushed her back down onto the covers, mouth opening to push his tongue against her lips. She opened her mouth eagerly, tongue slipping against his.

 After a long, deep kiss he pulled away and spoke. "How about we attempt this date again tonight?"

"I'd love to!"

 ----

 The date went better than Grell had expected, though she was glad for it. There was no more pain shooting through her head and not another image flashed in her mind that night. She enjoyed every second of being around William and he seemed to enjoy it too.

 They had then both headed to Grell's flat and she had asked him to stay there for the night. They fell to sleep just before midnight, William spooning up behind Grell, arm slung over her waist.

\----

 The teenage boy's arms were tied to his bed, legs also tied to the railing at the bottom of the bed. He was sobbing, as a woman lifted her dress and sank down onto him. His hips bucked up into her, a throaty moan being dragged from him.

 Grell woke up, confused by what she had just seen. "Good morning, Sutcliff." William said, feeling her move under his arm. "How are you feeling?"

 "I'm okay, thank you."

 William rolled away from her and sat up in bed. "I have to go home to get ready. I'll see you at work later. If ... If you want to talk, I'll be in my office for most of the day." She nodded and he ported out of the room.

 She got up herself and a short while later arrived at work. She met up with Ronald for their first assigment of the day, to collect souls from intruders at the Phantomhive Manor.

 As she collected the last soul, she looked around her. They were on the very outskirts of the estate, a forest to the one side of them and a lake to the other.

 On seeing the lake, her skin paled. A flash of water surrounding the boy came into view. She bent forward, bracing herself against the box of her chainsaw, as bile rose in her stomach.

 "Grell? Y' alright babe?" Ronald said, at seeing her sickly appearance. She heaved, vomit hitting the grass below. Ronald ran over to her, helping her to stand up straight. "What's wrong?"

 She looked at him, body trembling. "I ... I think ... I died in that lake. Is that even possible ... to remember where we died?"

 Ronald smiled sadly at her. "Yep. I remember it quite well." She frowned and he continued. "I hung myself from a tree when I got out of tha' hospital."

 "Hospital?" She asked, voice shaky.

 "Well y' see, funny story actually. I was running away with this man. We were in love. The carriage we were in got in an accident. He died at the scene. I got hurt pretty badly."

 He stepped back from her, pulling his shirt out of his trousers and lifting it up to show a large scar across his chest. "Got t' scars ta' prove it."

 "That's awful Ronnie, ... I'm so sorry. How could you bear to remember something so awful?"

 He grinned at her. "'Cause I want ta' remember. I wanna' remember the man I loved so much. I'd never want ta' forget him. You'd be surprised the amount of reapers who were in same sex relationships as humans. It's a shame really, it was tha' reason for most of them dying. Not bein' accepted an' all that."

 She nodded weakly. "I see."

 "Let's get you back to branch, y' don't look so good."


	12. Change of tactic.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be interesting and brutal.

 Ronald and Grell ported back to her office, Ronald helping her over to sit down on her desk chair. "Ye'. Y' don't look good at all babe. Want me to ge' y' anything? Water? Tea? Vodka?" She shook her head, smiling slightly at his last statement. Ronald spoke again. "Do y' wanna' talk 'bout it? Ya' human life I mean."

 "No. I really don't."

 "Fair enough." He bent down and picked Grell's ledger off of her lap. "Y' should rest for a bit. I'll take care of ya' collections until ya' feelin' betta'." He turned to walk out of the door, turning around to speak once more. "Y' so owe me for this."

 Once he had left, Grell rested her head in her hands. 'That dream from earlier just didn't make sense. Who was that woman? Why was she doing ... that?' Grell thought.

 Another sharp pain hit her in the head, as the voice of the boy's father echo'd through her mind. "Thank you for coming to assist me, Dr Frederick. No amount of beatings will dissolve his sickening delusions. Even a stab wound to his shoulder a few weeks ago did nothing to bring his sanity back. I'm worried he may be possessed but I will not let the victor of our church see our family in such disgrace, just because of him."

 Another voice spoke, a deeper voice. "I do have something we can try. If you really wish not to tell the victor, that is. We are men of medicine after all. I have to warn you, it will not be a nice experience for your son."

 "Please, I hardly care for him anymore. Just fix him. No matter how painful it will be. The greater the pain, the quicker it should work. At least i hope. Let's go upstairs and discuss this further, over a nice glass of wine."

 The voices vanished and Grell looked up shakily to see she was in still the office. Another wave of nausea hit her and she grabbed the office bin by her desk, dry heaving above it.

 "Hey Miss Sutcliff, I need more relationship advice on Eric, what-" Alan Humphries looked up as he entered Grell's office. "Erm ... are you okay?"

 She continued to dry heave and cough. Alan walked over to her, rubbing her back. "What's wrong?" She just shook her head, eyes filling with tears. "Well there's something wrong. Reapers don't normally get ill." He said softly.

 Her heaves turned to choked sobs. I keep seeing ... things ... I think it's my past ... but I don't know. I ... don't understand any of this."

 "Didn't you know your past before?" She shook her head. "Please don't be upset, things are better now, right?"

 She turned around on her chair to look at him. "W ... what?"

 Alan smiled at her. "Well for me, life wasn't great as a human. I was always ill and could never go outside. I was in the hospital a lot but things are much better now. Makes me kind of glad I jumped off the hospital's roof."

 "So ... you're happy then, Alan?"

 His smile grew. "Very much so. I have more energy being dead than I ever did alive. Plus I have Eric now. He seems happy too, though he never speaks about his past. Not ... remembering properly must be really confusing."

 "It is ... did you say something ... about advice ... with Eric before?"

 Alan rubbed the back of his head. "It's not important. I should leave you in peace to get some rest." He walked to the door. "You do realise, if you want to know your past for sure, just find your cinematic record from the reaper library. You won't be confused then." He grinned at her and then left.


	13. Drugged up.

 'Just find your cinematic record'. That advice plagued Grell's mind, as she sat still feeling ill in her office for the next few hours.

 Eventually William came into her office, like he had promised to earlier that day. He had taken one look at her and told her to go home, that he would sort out the paperwork to dismiss her for the rest of the day and that he would be over to her flat later that night.

 She was now lying on her bed, staring up at the ceiling. She wanted these nightmares to just stop and she hoped that seeing her cinematic record would put an end to them. That it would fit all the pieces of what she had been seeing together.

 There was something stopping her, however. She didn't know if she wanted to see her complete past. She was scared of how awful it would be and she knew it wouldn't make for pleasant viewing, based on what she had already seen. Part of her still wanted to deny it all. That the boy wasn't really her. That it wasn't her past she was seeing.

 This inner clash of thoughts battled in her mind for hours, until it exhausted her. Her eyes slipped shut, a few previously unshed tears being pushed out from behind the closing lids.

 ----

 The boy was sitting against the wall of the basement, back pressed against it, arms outstretched and wrists chained tightly to the brick, in newly fixed brackets.

 His father knelt in front of him, gripping his chin and forcing the boy to look up at him. "Don't worry boy, Dr Frederick will make you right again." The boy's eyes filled with angry tears and he spat at his father. "You little shit!" He shouted, punching the boy across the face.

 "Please calm yourself, Dr Sutcliff. We will cure him in time. Please go and retrieve the photographs from the file on the table" A man dressed in a long white coat said, pulling a needle from his pocket. The boy's father stood up and moved over to the table in the basement.

 Dr Frederick sank down next to the boy. The boy moved his head to look at him, eyes widening at the sight of the needle. "No ... what are you doing? Please ... don't stick that ... in me ... no!" He pulled against his chains.

 "This medicine will make you all better." The Dr pressed the needle into the boy's skin, injecting white liquid into him. The boy sat frozen, as he watched the liquid disappear from the barrel of the needle. "That shouldn't take long to take effect."

 "You never did tell me the name of that drug when we were in our meetings." His father said.

 "Because it is yet to have a name. It has just been discovered. It's in fact quite poisonous but in small enough doses, it has been found to just cause nausea, perfect for our needs."

 His father flicked through the records, frowning. "Are you sure the use of such photographs is wise?"

 "We have discussed this. It will work fine. Now please hand me the files and grab that bucket I instructed you to bring down here." Said the other man.

 His father nodded and walked forward. Dr Frederick moved to sit in front of the boy, as his father handed him the file. His father sat on his knees at the side of the boy, bucket placed to his side.

 Dr Frederick raised the first photo and the boy saw a naked photograph of a man. "It's disgusting, isn't it." The Dr said. The boy looked away, the feeling of humiliation rising inside of him.

 "Look at it boy!" His father shouted, pulling the boy's head back by the hair, to make him look at the photograph. "Let it disgust you. Doesn't it make you sick to your stomach? Isn't it ugly!?"

 The boy felt dizziness hit him and started to gag. His father picked up the bucket and shoved it under his chin. The boy gagged again and then threw up bile into the bucket. His father pulled his head back again, as another similar picture was shown to him. The process continued until the boy stopped being sick, nausea fading away to leave nothing but weakness in his muscles.

 His dad unchained him and pulled him up, bracing the boy's tired body against him, arm pulled around the man's shoulder. He walked him up to the kitchen, carrying the unlocked chain and shoved him over the table. He chained him again, arms behind his back.

 The Dr moved in front of him once more, showing him the first picture from the file again. "Are you ready for part two of the first phase, Dr Sutcliff?"

 The boy heard his father's footsteps walking away and looked up to see him disapear into the living room. He returned a moment later, hot poker from the fire in his hand.

 The Dr spoke again. "All seeing naked men will do is cause you disgust and pain." The boy felt his father move behind him again, hand gripping his hair to make him stare straight at the photograph. The boy whimpered and then screamed, as he felt metal burning into his skin.

 A voice merged between the screams. "It'll cause you nothing but pain, boy. You will not think of naked men without feeling sick to your stomach, we will make sure of that."

\----

 Grell woke up, feeling wetness against the pillow. She opened her eyes, to see William lying in front of her, hand stroking her hair. "Please just tell me what you're seeing, Sutcliff. You've been crying in your sleep for the past hour. I tried to wake you but couldn't."


	14. Beaten to death.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert Sutcliff disgusts me. Enough said. #hatingonmyownOC

 Grell had once again refused to tell William anything about her memories, instead asking him to stay at hers for a second night in a row. He had agreed and they were now cuddled up on the sofa in her living room. “Do you know what happened to the man you loved in your human life? Did he have a happy life?” She asked, after they had been sitting in silence for a long while.

 William shook his head. “He did not. He died a few months after me.”

 “I’m so sorry, Will.” She bit her lip nervously, before continuing. “Can I … ask, what happened to him?”

 He adjusted his glasses. “He was beaten to death. His identity was finally found out. It was just a chance encounter. The man who revealed our relationship knew me quite well but he had no idea of my love’s identity. It wasn’t until that man went to the blacksmiths where he worked that he found out his name. That night, the man and some acquaintances of his beat him to death.”

 Grell shot him a puzzled look. “How-.”

 “I was the one to collect his soul, that’s how I know. He was one of my first collections after I graduated the academy. It was all shown on his cinematic record.”

 “I’m so sorry I brought it up. I shouldn’t have asked. That must have been so hard for you.”

 William smiled sadly. “It wasn’t. He was barely conscious before he finally died but I did get to say goodbye to him. Something I hadn’t chance to do in my human life.”

 “Why … why didn’t you appeal to save him? To let him live?”

 William sighed sadly. “It would have done no good. He would have just been attacked again or locked up in jail. The human world is not accepting of men who fall in love with other men. I hope that one day it will all change. I was surprised to find the reaper world to be much more open, having the many rules and regulations that we have at branch but I suppose all of us have committed suicide. We all have our own secrets, so no one can really judge another.”

 She smiled. “That’s very true, darling. I really have met some lovely people at our branch. I’ve had a lot of fun there with Ronnie and the others.” She yawned. “Even after all the sleep I’ve had, I’m still so tired.”

 “Do you want to go to bed?”

 “I don’t want any more nightmares … I-.” Everything around her went black, her body falling limp against the sofa.

 He lent over her, shaking her slightly. “Grell? Grell! What an earth is going on with you? Wake up!”

\----

 “Do it!” His father said, standing behind him and pressing a knife against the boy’s back. He had the boy’s one hand in a thick metal cuff, his hand holding the chain of it tightly. The boy’s other hand was clenched in a tight fist at his side.

 “No! I don’t want to, it’s wrong!”

 His father moved the knife to press it to the boy’s throat. “Do it. Look at that picture of the woman and touch yourself.”

 “N … no. I … can’t.”

 The man grunted angrily. “Do it, boy. Do you want that hot poker shoved up your arse?”

 “N … no.”

 “Then do it, now and don’t even think about looking away from that photograph or I will slit your throat.” The boy sniffed loudly, tears leaking down his face. He moved his free hand to himself, stroking slowly. Sobs fell from his lips, before a small moan was dragged out of him. “Feels good, doesn’t it? Imagine that woman’s hand wrapped around you and harden your touch.”

 The boy gulped, that image making him feel disgusted. He’d never want a woman to touch him there. He didn’t want anyone to touch him there. ‘That’ shouldn’t be there in the first place, he thought, his tears falling harder.

 A few more moans echoed around the dingy basement. The man moved the knife back down; to press lightly on the boy’s back. “Move faster, boy. We don’t have all year to fix you.” The boy complied, scared for his life. After a few minutes, he bit his lip, drawing blood, as liquid seeped into his hand.

 “You’re finally doing what you’re told, very good. Now do it again.” The boy choked on a sob, hand moving back around himself.

\---

Grell shot up from her lying position on the sofa, head smacking against William’s forehead, who had still been desperately trying to wake her after her fainting spell.


	15. Don't touch me there!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small sex scene. If transistance is still reading this, just skip the one big paragraph and it'll be on the next part.

 “Grell, you need to tell me what’s going on, before you worry me to death. You just collapsed and once again I could not wake you.”

 She gritted her teeth, feeling annoyed by his constant pushing of the subject. “I’m not telling you, so drop it.”

 “Why an earth not? You had no trouble telling everyone your innermost feelings in the past. Spouting your thoughts on love and always talking about how your heart would burst from it at any minute. Why are you being so closed off now? It’s not like you at all and to be frank with you I liked the way you were before much more than how your personality is being presented now.” William stated, frowning.

 “If you don’t like it get out!” She said, moving away from him and standing up from the sofa.

 “Where has that passionate woman I fell for gone?” William stood up too, looking her straight in the eye.

 “I haven’t changed! Like I said, get out.”

 “I will not. Not until you tell me what’s going on.” He stood his ground.

 “Shut up. I’m not telling you!”

 “Why not? I just want to help you.”

 She grinned at him, an idea coming to mind. “Then help me forget about it.” She moved forward, kissing him fiercely, shoving her tongue into his mouth. “You want passion, do you not?” She said, as their kiss parted.

 “Grell, that’s not what I meant.”

“Be quiet, Will. I will tell you everything when I am ready and not a moment sooner.” William nodded slightly and she kissed him again, pushing him down on the sofa and lying on top of him. William felt his pants grow tighter, as she kissed down his neck.

 “Grell, are you sure about this? Don’t you think it’s a bit soon?”

 She looked at him, baring her sharp teeth in a wide smile. “Of course not. You want my passionate, fiery side do you not? It is never too soon for such things.” He nodded again and she moved to unbutton his shirt, sliding down to nip at the skin on his chest.

 After a few minutes, both of their clothes lay discarded on the floor, William now lying on top of her. He prepared her and moved a pillow to under her hips. She moaned loudly as he entered her, head falling back against the arm of the sofa. Her moans grew louder, as he thrust into her deeply, pressing against her sensitive spot of nerves. He began to groan, her tightness feeling amazing around him. On feeling her clench around him, he slid his hand between them and encircled her, pumping her quickly. She gasped, back arching as she released into his hand.

 The next thing he knew, he had hit the ground with a sharp thud. Grell had shoved him off of her. “What an earth?”

 She stood up quickly. “Get out!”

 “Wha-.”

 Angry tears fell from her eyes. “How dare you touch me there! Pick up your clothes and leave! I don’t want to see you ever again.” She rushed off to the bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

 William stayed on the floor for a moment, unsure of what to do. He wanted to go after her and try to comfort her but he didn’t want to upset her further. He sighed, getting dressed and leaving. He would try to talk to her at work tomorrow, once she had calmed down.

 On hearing him leave, she sat down on her bed, head in her hands. “Don’t touch me there! Don’t touch me.” She sobbed over and over, body shaking. This didn’t make any sense to her. According to the records, when she first come to the reaper academy, she hadn’t died until she was 22. Would she really have to see six more years of such abuse? Did she finally manage to escape from the basement and been able to commit suicide? Did her mother let her out of that awfully tiny cage?”

 Her head began to ache again. She screwed her eyes shut, not wanting to see any more of the awful abuse.

\----

 The boy was standing in front of a mirror, his hair now cut short above his ears. He looked in his early twenties now and had filled out a bit, though he was still thin. He heard a new voice, of a young woman and turned to face her. “Oh Grell, come and join me for a game of chess?” She was a short woman, looking to be in her late teens. She had long, straight brown hair and light brown eyes.

 “Yes … of course Lady … Lady Carter.”

 She smiled at him. “I’ve told you so many times to just call me Ellen.”

 He bit his lip. “I’m very sorry Lady Carter … er … I mean Ellen.”

 “You’re such a timid man, Grell. Still, I find your nervousness to be rather sweet.” She grabbed his hand and dragged him to sit down by the table with the chess board. He gulped, cheeks flushing red and stomach churning in disgust at her touch.

\---

 Grell returned to reality and felt herself become even more confused. Who was this woman?


	16. Decisions.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Only 3? more chapters to go. This story is so horrible, I feel so bad for Grell.

 The night so far had been filled with more nightmares, reverting back to the boy in the basement. More needles and nausea, again and again, until the boy’s strong will had begun to break. Until he didn’t argue with his father, instead just touching himself with silent tears running down his face.

 Grell stirred slightly, before slipping into a new dream. The boy was tied to a bed in one of the house’s bedrooms. His arms were chained to the headboard above him, whereas his ankles were tied with rope to the rails at the foot of the bed. His father was standing by the side of him, the Dr over by the door.

 His father spoke. “I am hoping he will be fixed soon. In the two years you have been involved with his treatment; a lot of progress has been made. He hasn’t enough education to become a doctor like me. I had to keep him locked in that cage all the time since he was fourteen, ever since he began flirting with other boys. Even with making him read various textbooks while he was locked up, his education is still lacking for his age. My only option now is to marry him off, once he is finally fixed. I already have someone in mind, with my high status as a doctor there shouldn’t be a problem. I wish to monitor him for a while first, to make sure he is actually cured, before I have him court that girl.”

 The doctor smiled. “Yes and with the next phase of his treatment about to begin, I’m sure he will be cured of his insanity in due course. I know you weren’t fond of this phase to begin with but it’s better to have him unclean than to have him unable to carry on your family name due to his delusions . Plus, I assure you that Emily is a fine woman. She is very good at her trade and will do anything for the right price.”

The boy whimpered, pulling at his chains as the Doctor opened the door and a young blonde woman entered. The Dr turned to her. “Thank you for your assistance, Emily. Don’t worry, he is quite clean. We gave him a good scrubbing before bringing him here. You know what to do.”

 The woman smiled at him, before kicking her underwear off from under her dress. She walked over to the bed and grabbed the boy. “S … stop it.” He shrieked, beginning to cry as he felt himself harden in her hand. She knelt over the side of the bed, taking him into her mouth. “N … no, no, no!” The boy cried, between small moans. His head fell back against the pillow, as pleasure began to rise through him. After a while, the woman stood back up, climbing on top of the boy and kneeling above his waist, knees digging into the bed at either side of him.

 The boy sobbed louder, squeezing his eyes shut. “Oh, you’re such a handsome, young thing. Don’t get upset. I’ll be sure to make this feel heavenly.” The boy opened his eyes to look at her, body trembling, as she lifted her dress and moved slightly to sink down onto him. His hips moved on their own accord, bucking up into her, a throaty moan being dragged from him. He grew louder, as she moved on top of him, small moans coming from her mouth.  He then tensed, feeling himself release into her.

The boy choked on a sob, the feel of defeat and surrender coursing through him. There was nothing he could do to change what was happening.

 His father spoke. “Do it again, Emily. Until he stops crying and starts to really enjoy the feel of a woman.”

\----

 Grell woke up, her whole body shaking. She looked over at the clock and saw that it was time to get ready for work. She got changed and went to look in the mirror. The sight made her gasp. The teenage boy was staring back at her, eyes wide and tears streaming down his face. She shut her eyes tightly and shook her head. When she opened them again, she sighed in relief. Her reflection was her own.

 She arrived in her office and sat down, trying to piece everything together. From what the boy’s father had said in her dreams, the boy would have been six when his father had first seen him in a dress. It also seemed he had locked the boy in a cage a few years later, having realised it wasn’t something he would grow out of. He must have just let the boy out to go to school, concerned for his education.

 It also seemed he was fourteen when he was first sexually abused. Grell had been correct when she had thought the boy looked around the age of fifteen, when his dad had touched him in front of the mirror. That must have carried on for a year, until the boy was actually fifteen and had been stabbed. His father had then asked for advice from the doctor a short while later, the beatings and molestation having failed to fulfil the father’s goals. The doctor’s treatment was still being performed when the boy was seventeen.

 Then when the boy looked in his early twenties, he was being forced into company with that young woman. That must have been shortly before the boy’s death.

 Something still didn’t fit right in Grell’s mind. Had the boy finally given into his father’s wishes and if so, why? Alan’s advice seemed more important than ever. If she ever wanted to fit the final pieces together and get the awful nightmares to stop, she would have to view her cinematic record.

 She walked from her office, heading to the break room for a cup of tea to sooth her, before she could finally work up the courage to head to the reaper library. As she walked down the hallway, someone called her name from behind her.

 She turned around and at seeing the owner of the voice, she glared. “I told you to leave me alone, William.”

 He walked closer to her. “I know. I just wanted to apologise for last night. I never realised touching you in that way would upset you. I’m very sorry.”

 “Leave me alone.” With that she ported out of sight, forgetting about her tea and heading straight to the library. She needed answers and she needed them now.

 William decided he would follow her. He had an idea of where she might be heading, having overheard a conversation between Alan and Ronald earlier that day. They had been discussing Grell’s upset and the advice Alan had given her.

 He saw Grell enter the library and decided to follow her but he would keep out of sight, as to not upset her further. He had to make sure she would be okay, as she viewed her life’s record.

\----

 Grell entered the room which was designated for the surnames starting with the letter ‘S’. She looked for Sutcliff and frowned. Her name wasn’t there, neither was her mother’s or father’s. The only Sutcliff in this branch’s records was a 'Mary A. Sutcliff'. Was that the boy’s sister?

 A sharp pain suddenly echoed in her head and she fell forward, knocking a few Records off of the shelf, as she slipped down onto the floor. She gripped her head, the pain intensifying.

\---

 The boy was standing in the bedroom, a knife pressed into his back. “Touch her, boy.” The blonde woman was sitting on the bed in front of him, legs open. He gulped and sank down in front of her, hand reaching forward to slide his fingers into her. She moaned, hand moving to grip his short hair. The boy bit his lip, bile rising in his stomach as he willed his tears not to fall.

 “You know what to do now. You know you enjoy this part.” His father said from behind him. The boy nodded, pulling his fingers out. The woman moved to lie on the bed, with her legs parted and the boy followed, lying on top of her. The boy slid into her, pressing his head into the crease of her neck and squeezing his eyes shut. He felt disgusting.

 The woman wrapped her arms around to his back, her nails digging into his skin, as he began to thrust into her. A few strangled moans slipped from his lips, as he picked up speed. His body tensed, feeling pressure rise in his stomach. With a few more pushes of his hips, he released into her. He collapsed on top of her, panting heavily.

 “Start again from the beginning.” His father said and the boy lifted off of the bed, moving back to his kneeling position at the side of it.

\----

 The image she had just seen made Grell feel sick to her stomach. She began to dry heave, moving onto her knees on the floor of the room. Her hands gripped the carpet beneath her and she gagged, bile spraying onto the floor. She heard movement behind her and a familiar voice began to speak.


	17. Recordings.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Decided to split this chapter into two, as its a long one. so there is three more chapters yet again.

 “Oh, petal. Did ye’ forget what I told you or did you just fail to listen in the first place?”

 Grell looked around to see the Undertaker standing in the room. Wiping her mouth, she spoke croakily. “Forgot about what? Wait … what the hell are … you doing in the reaper library?”

 He laughed loudly. “Forgot that I told ye’ to come an’ see me once you were ready to know the answers to your mysterious past. Did ye’ also forget I used to be a reaper?”

 Grell felt herself becoming annoyed at the old loon. “What could you possible know about my past which I haven’t already seen?”

 “As I said dear rose, I was once a reaper and you were my proudest collection.”

 “What?!” She couldn’t fathom his words. He was the one who had reaped her?

 “What I tell ye’ is the truth. I was reapin’ around the area where you lived at that time. You may have noticed your record isn’t here.” She nodded and he continued. “Well I forgot to return them or maybe I kept them for a reason but that is my lil’ secret.” He then giggled.

 “So you’re trying to tell me you have them?”

 “That would be correct. Now if you’re certain you want to see ye’ past, let us go to my place of work and view it.”

 She felt nerves churn her stomach. “Yes … I’m quite sure. I need these nightmares to end.”

 “And end they shall. Now let’s get going, you have waited long enough I’m sure.” With that he walked over to her, bending down to touch her arm and porting them off to his funeral parlour.

 He helped her shaky form to sit on one of his closed coffins and walked into the next room. He came back with her record in hand. “Are you sure you wish to see this? It’s quite a nasty show.”

 “I have to.”

 He smiled widely. “If that is what the lady wishes, I-.”

 At that moment the door opened and William entered the building. He had heard everything the Undertaker had said, from his hiding place outside of the record room door. Grell glared at him. “What the hell are you doing here? I told you I didn’t want to see you!”

 William turned to the Undertaker. “I wish to speak to Miss Sutcliff in private.”

 “Oh, but of course. I will be in the next room, call me once you are done and please play nice you two.” He said, before laughing loudly and walking out of the room.

 “I don’t want to talk to you, haven’t I made that clear enough already?” Grell snapped at him, as he took a seat next to her on the lid of the coffin.

 “You have. However, I do not wish for you to have to watch this on your own. I … wish to be there for you as best as I can.”

 “Why would you wish such a thing? I shall be perfectly fine on my own.”

 William adjusted his glasses. “Because I can see from your appearance you are far from being fine and I’ve already told you that I care for you deeply.”

 Grell huffed. “Whatever. Fine you can stay, only because I don’t have all day to argue with you. I want this mess sorted as soon as possible. If you care so much, shut your trap and let me get this over with.”

 William stared at her for a moment, mulling over the words he had longed to say to her. “I will be quiet, once I have said what needs to be said.”

 “And what would that be?”

 “That I feel more for you than just concern. I don’t just care for you, I … I’m in love with you.”

 Her breath hitched. Those words were all she had never wished to hear him say. Yet she was still angry at him. “After what you did to me last night, how can I be sure of your words?”

 “I have already told you that I did not realise those actions would cause you distress. I really do love you.”

 Grell sighed. He was right, how could he have known? She had no right to be mad at him. “I love you too. I really do. I always have. Now can I please just get this over with?”

 “Of course. I understand perfectly.” He stood up and walked to the next room to call the Undertaker back in.

 “Well I should play this then.” He said, before his smile faded. “I’m quite glad chilly Willy came, I didn’t really want to see your past for a second time. It really is quite a tragic affair. I did fiddle with the record somewhat, condensing your early childhood down. Otherwise you’d be here for hours. You really were such a pretty girl rose.” He began to play the record, before leaving the room again.

 William took his seat and Grell scooted over to him, grabbing his hand with hers, a look of fear washing over her expression.

\----

 As the record began, she could see a small baby boy wrapped in a blanket in his mother’s arms. His father was standing next to her, smiling down on the bed she was lying in. “Oh Robert, isn’t he beautiful?”

 “Yes he is. He will make me proud one day, I’m sure of it. Hopefully he will follow my career as a doctor.”

 “I’m sure he will, darling.”

 As the record carried on playing, the two reapers watched as the body moved from a toddler to an infant, looking about the age of five. He was playing in the garden with his mother, rolling around on the grass giggling. He then plucked a small flower from the garden and placed it in his growing hair. “Mother, don’t I look pretty?”

 She smiled at him. “You sure do, my angel.”

 The boy’s early childhood was filled with happiness, his mother doting on him and his sister, giving them her fully attention and love. In the moments where they weren’t playing games and running around the garden, his mother would read them both stories. His father commented on how smart he seemed to be and that he was a fast learner.

 The scene began to play of his mother finding him in a dress and Grell gulped, knowing full what was she was about to see.


	18. Past revealed.

 William watched the scene with the boy in the dress talking to his mother. He had a feeling where Grell’s record was heading. That just like himself, she hadn’t been accepted for who she was. That she had suffered greatly for not conforming to society’s ideals. The scene began to play of the boy running up to his father in the dress and when it carried on to show the boy being whipped; the usual calm man’s blood began to boil. This was just so cruel and ruthless and he knew worse was probably yet to come.

 Grell stared in silence at the video in front of her, tears pricking at her eyes. She was beginning to remember her past properly from watching it, imprinting clearly in her mind. She was starting to remember this actually happening to her. She could remember the fear she had felt from her father’s violence. She could remember the pain it had caused her.

 The scenes carried on in much the same manner, the boy being slapped and whipped whenever he showed any feminity. Whenever he argued with his father about who he really was.

 The boy began to grow taller and the beatings became more severe. The boy looked about eight when his father finally snapped. He dragged the boy down into the basement and shoved him forward into a cage, the boy falling onto his hands and knees. Before the boy could turn around and try to escape, he had locked the cage.

 “I’ve had enough of your sickening fantasies boy. You will stay locked up, only being let out for school, until you have learnt your lesson. I will make a man out of you!” Robert shouted at him.

 “No … father. Please let me out. Please … don’t do this.” His father payed no attention to his pleas, turning to walk back up the stairs of the basement. The boy looked around, terror rising inside of him. The room was so dark, lit only by a few mounted candles on the wall. There was a long mirror to the side of the candles and a large wooden table in the centre of the room. The boy began to sob, curling into a ball on the bottom of the cage.

 The two reapers watched several years of this torment, the boy being locked in the cage once he had gone to school and his mother had given him a bath. His father would barely feed him, throwing a loaf of stale bread into his cage at the end of each night. His father would beat him senseless, shouting at him to stop his insanity and that his patience was running thin. His sister didn’t act much kinder, eyeing him with disgust when she was made to walk to school with him, calling him awful names.

 One day the boy was taken with his father after school to the fish mongers. That’s when he met a teenager who was helping with the work there. As the boy’s father paid for the fish, the boy said hello to the teenager and smiled at him. His father glared at him, grabbing his shirt and dragging him home.

 When they reached the basement, his father ripped the boy’s clothes off and shoved his chest against a wall. He dragged the boy’s hands behind him and tied them with rope. He then moved the boy in front of the mirror in the room, grabbing hold of him and telling him that his intimate area was proof that he was a man. After arguing with the boy about being male and how disgusting it was to seek attention from other males, he pushed him over a table and violated him.

 William felt his anger rise. How dare this monster do such a thing to Grell? He felt her gripped his hand tightly and looked over at her. Her eyes were wide, tears falling from them. Her hand shook in his. He wanted to ask her if she was okay but he knew she wasn’t. How could she be after being subjected to such abuse? He instead rubbed his thumb over her hand, trying to comfort her somewhat. He turned to look at the record. It was almost too hard to watch but if Grell had to watch it, he wanted to be there for her and so fixed his gaze back on the video playing.

 The sexual abuse scenes continued for what seemed like forever, each one becoming more brutal. His father would often shove the boy’s face into the table of floor, trying to silence his pathetic screams. William and Grell could see the pain and terror in his eyes.

 After one extra painful rape, the boy was shoved back into the cage. The cage was ever so small now that the boy had grown into a teenager. He was sat curled up in the cage, sobbing loudly, feeling blood leaking between his legs. His mother came into the basement, having taken the key of the cage from the parents shared bedroom. She opened the cage and pulled the boy into a hug, begging him to just do what his father had asked, before he got himself killed. The boy refused, his will to prove his father wrong still strong. He would not give up, no matter how much his father hurt him.

 His father then came into the basement and began to shout at his wife, brandishing a knife. It was then that the boy was stabbed and fell to the floor. Eventually Robert succumbed to his wife’s begging and bandaged the boy’s shoulder. The days after this followed with the boy being beaten and raped every day. He cried out in pain, his insides feeling red raw. A few weeks after the stabbing, Dr Frederick began his treatment.

 William felt sick watching the boy being subjected to such awful ‘treatment’, the needle making him shudder internally. Grell just watched it in horror, remembering how scared and angry the boy felt. Remembering the crushing nausea the drug caused.

 They continued to watch, as the boy was forced to be sick when looking at the pictures of naked men and then how he was forced to masturbate over photographs of naked women. After almost two years of such treatment, his body began to break. He was sat in the cage, head over the bucket, as he was sick again and again. After each injection, the sickness carried on for longer, the drug obviously starting to poison his system completely. A few minutes after the boy had stopped being sick, the basement door opened.

 “Just let me see my child, Robert. I haven’t seen him for over a year!” His mother shrieked, as she walked down the stairs, blanket in hand.

 “I don’t understand your need to see such a filthy human.” She gave him a pleading look and he sighed. “Fine. I have to attend a meeting at Dr Fredericks home; I’ll be locking the basement door until I return. I want him back in his cage by then.” He left and the lock clicked into place.

 His mother gasped when she saw the boy. His ribs and collar bones were sticking out, his body covered in a cold sweat. His eyes were sunken and his cheeks gaunt. Bruises and track marks lined his skin. Unlocking the cage, his mother spoke. “Oh, my darling, whatever have they done to you? Come here, mother wants a cuddle.”

 The body crawled out of the cage and his mother sat down. The boy rested his head on her lap. “mo …mmy?”

 “Yes I am here. You are absolutely freezing.” She placed the cover over him.

 “I feel so … sick. My … whole body hurts. Please … just make them stop.”

 She soothed his cropped hair. “There is nothing I can do. I’ve tried but your father will not listen. I’m sorry. I have something for you.” She dug in her coat pocket, pulling out a small flower. She slid it into his hair. “You look even prettier now. Flowers suit you.”

 “Thank … you mother, that makes … me so happy.” With that, his eyes slipped shut and he fell into sleep, body completely exhausted. His mother began to cry. “My beautiful little girl. My lovely daughter. Mother loves you so much.”

 Grell watched the scene and the final piece of the puzzle slipped into place. She had finally lost her will to fight. She could handle the beatings but the medicine had made her so ill, she was forced into defeat. She had hated herself at the time for giving in but now she realised she was powerless. She could remember everything now, even the years between what she was seeing now and her death. She just had to keep watching, to make sure her memories were indeed correct.

 After the scene with the woman raping the boy on the bed, he finally cracked. “Father … please just stop this. You … You’re right, I am a boy.” He said, from his position back in the cage.

 His father smiled. “Good. It’s about time. You will continue your treatment until I am certain that you have retreated back into sanity.” William watch that image, stomach churning at the thought of Grell being subjected to more torment, even when she had told her father all he had wanted to hear.

 As the record continued, Grell felt bile rising in her stomach at being made to do such revolting things. She really didn't find women attractive. She watched as the boy pushed the woman down onto the bed. He looked absolutely broken, eyes devoid of any life or happiness. He thrust sharply into her, loud moans slipping from his mouth. This carried on every night, multiple times a night, until his father was satisfied.

 He finally let the boy out of the cage, getting someone to home school him, to bring his education back on par with his age. Things settled down at home, with no more violence or shouting. Grell could remember that the boy had felt wretched. He was still a woman in his mind and hated the fact he had been made to sleep with one. It disgusted him.

 His disgust only grew when a young lady had been introduced to him. She was always touching him and telling him how sweet he was. He didn’t have it in him to tell her to leave him alone. All the abuse had turned him into a very timid man, nervous all the time and scared of other people.

 That was until the record almost came to its end. After meeting the woman for a game of chess, he returned home. His father looked up at him. “I have set a date for your marriage to Lady Carter.”

 “wh … what? You never spoke of this marriage to me … before.”

 His father frowned at him. “I know that. However, my decision is final and absolute.”

 “I will not marry her.” Grell could remember her blood boiling at being told this. There was no way she was being made to marry a woman. That concept was awful and absurd to her.

 “Yes you will boy.”

 “No! It’s wrong for two women to marry. I will not!”

 Robert stood up and walked over to him. “Don’t you dare start this stupidity again!”

 “It’s the truth.” he giggled manically, before speaking again. “You think you cured me? You did no such thing. I’m a woman. I always will be, nothing you say or do will change that. You forced me into saying that I was a man, I didn’t mean a word of it.”

 Before the boy could say anything more, his father had punched him in the stomach. The blow made the boy fall to his knees, hand gripping his middle. Robert began to kick him, until the boy started to cry and scream. “You’re dead boy!” He walked to the kitchen. The boy stood up shakily and sped out of the house, wishing to avoid being stabbed again.

 He slowed down once he was far enough from the house to feel safe. He walked for half an hour, tears streaming down his face. Grell could remember the pain she had felt, how desperate she was. She couldn’t bear to spend another second with that man, with people who would never accept her. That’s when she had decided to find a solution. The only solution to an issue this big, to a life this awful.

 Eventually the boy ended up in the outskirts of the Phantomhive Manor. He walked slowly to the lake, his pain turning to an odd sort of calm. Grell could remember how she had felt hopefully. That her suffering would now finally be over. With a manic smile, the boy picked up some large stones from the edge of the lake and weighed his pockets down. He sighed happily, walking into the lake. It was deeper than he was expecting, right from the edge but he was glad, it would make his end all the more faster. His head slipped below the water, still smiling, until water seeped into his mouth and he began to sink down further  into the lake. Everything faded into black, as he breathed for the last time and his heart, which was filled with sorrows, finally ceased to beat.


	19. Marie's sorrow.

 William couldn’t quite believe what he had seen. From the outgoing personality the redhead normally portrayed, he would have never of guessed how much she had suffered in her human life. He remembered back to the time of the Jack the Ripper murders, when he had been made to follow Sutcliff to collect information, before bringing her back to the association. The timid butler she acted like at the time was very similar to the young man at the end of the record. He looked over at Grell, seeing her eyes glistening with more tears, her face devoid of any emotion.

 Before he could say anything to her, the Undertaker reappeared in the room, having heard the record’s sound cease. “Well, did that answer all of ye’ questions?” Grell nodded and the Undertaker continued. “Would you also like to view your parent’s records? It’s an interesting insight.”

 “I’ll watch my mothers; I wish not to see anything from that twisted monster’s point of view.”

 “I see. Your mother’s story is very sad. She died a few weeks after you, obviously from a broken heart. She had said a mother couldn’t bear to lose a child and she was indeed correct. Your father died many years later, a lonely man. You sister had always stuck by his side but she also died young, from an awful chest infection. Her record was quite boring, so I decided not to keep it. Still, your family's case saddened me, so much in fact that I gave up being a reaper shortly after it. I needed to find an interesting job that would provide me laughs. I dare say I needed cheering up. Well let’s begin.”

 He retrieved the record and began to play it. “I edited this a lot too for your viewing, keeping only the important bits.”

 The three reapers watched as a small girl was playing with her brothers, kicking a ball across the grass of a park. She looked to be the very definition of a ‘Tom Boy’. Her early years were filled with nothing but smiles and happiness. As she grew into her late teens, she met her future husband. She would comment to her sister about how much she loved the man. They had a large wedding and moved in together. Her husband began to comment on the way she acted, making her pretend to be more feminine, crushing her spirits. It saddened her but she was still madly in love with him.

She soon gave birth to a daughter and then a son. She spent a lot of time with them and it soon became clear that her son was her favourite child. She adored his cute smile and feisty personality. As the boy grew, everything began to fall apart. She would constantly cry over the cruelty his father would put him through. One night, she got into a huge row with Robert. “Can’t you just accept him for who he is? Let him wear what he wants inside where no one can see him?”

 Robert slapped her across the face. “Do not be stupid, woman! I will not tolerate him wearing dresses. It’s vulgar behaviour. How can you think such things?”

 She sobbed and ran out of the room. As the years dragged by, her sorrow increased. She would constantly beg her husband to stop his abuse, to leave the boy alone. Her husband refused to listen, only becoming more violent to both her and her child. She only got to see her son for an hour or so a day, whiling running him a bath, before he was locked away again.

 One night she was crying on her seat in the living room. “Robert, please stop this! The stress is making the baby ill.”

 Grell looked up at the Undertaker, her brows knitting. “I didn’t know she had a third child.”

 The Undertaker looked at her sadly. “She didn’t. She miscarried and I’m afraid it only made your father crueller. He was angry, not having a chance to have another possible son. Still, it would have been awful had he been given a new child. He probably would have just killed you and you wouldn’t be here today.”

 Surely enough, a few moments more into the record, she had lost the baby. She watched as her husband abused the child further, until he had finally locked him in the cage all of the time, not letting her see him. She would hear him undergoing his treatment and beg them to stop. They wouldn’t listen. She began to lose weight, the concern for her son mounting. Eventually, the abuse had stopped and the boy was allowed to live back in the house, instead of the basement. She felt happier, thinking her son would be okay from now on. That he would have a happy ending.

 It wasn’t until her son and husband had a huge fight over him getting married, that she realised all hope was lost. The boy fled from the house, his mother trying to chase after him. She lost him for a while, only finding him again when she went to search for him on the grounds of the manor. She had thought he might go there, as the flowers around the lake were lovely and she had taken him there as a child on many occasions.

 As the lake came into view, she saw her child enter the water. She ran up to the lake but it was too late, the boy was already lost below the cloudy liquid. She sank to her knees, sobbing, having lost her precious child. She was inconsolable for the next two weeks, the stress of it all impacting her body. One night, she fell asleep on her living room chain, tears still leaking down her face. She passed away in the night.


	20. Moving forward.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hehe. This was a hard fic to write but I'm glad of the way it came out.

 Once Marie's record came to a close, William had taken Grell back home. She looked pretty rough, pale skinned and body trembling.

 William helped her down onto the sofa. She smiled at him sadly. "I feel so bad for my mother, she was the only one to accept me. I almost regret taking my own life, it caused her so much pain."

 "Almost?" William's frowned slightly.

 Her smile turned to a happier one, the colour coming back into her cheeks. "Yes. She obviously loved me greatly and I'm thankful for that but Alan was right. Life is so much better now. Most people here accept me and I have friends, something I was never allowed as a human. Though seeing my record has upset me, I think I can move on from it. I have a lot to look forward to in the future." She paused for a moment, before continuing. "I have you too, don't I? Seeing my record hasn't changed your love for me, has it?"

 "Yes I am yours and you are mine. I will always love you no matter what." He pulled her into a deep kiss and she felt her pain start to melt away. She could look forward instead of behind her, to happier times.

 They had returned to work a short time later and it had gone well. She had suffered no more flashbacks or headaches. That night, she slipped into a peaceful sleep, cuddled up tightly under the covers with William.

 ---

 The boy looked up at his mom, who knelt down in front of him and placed a flower in his hair. "You're so pretty, my darling." The boy smiled widely at her, a feeling of content and happiness washing over him.

 ----

 Grell woke up to find William looking at her, a concerned expression on his face. "Are you okay? I think you were dreaming again."

 She grinned at him. "Yes but it was a lovely dream, not a nightmare. I hope I only dream of such happy moments in my past from now on."

 She never suffered from a single nightmare again.


End file.
